In the world of relationships, honesty is often touted as the cornerstone of trust and intimacy. But what if keeping certain secrets could actually improve your relationship? According to relationship expert Paul C. Brunson, the answer isn’t as black and white as you might think. In his latest book, Keep Love: 21 Truths for a Long-Lasting Relationship, Brunson dives into the science and psychology behind why selective disclosure—not full transparency—can lead to higher satisfaction and lower conflict in relationships.
The Myth of Total Transparency
We’ve all heard the advice: “Never keep secrets from your partner.” But Brunson challenges this notion, citing research on selective disclosure. This concept suggests that sharing everything with your partner isn’t always the best approach. Instead, it’s about being strategic with what you disclose, considering your partner’s emotions, boundaries, and the long-term health of your relationship.
For example, if your ex slides into your DMs with a harmless message, do you immediately tell your partner? According to Brunson, it depends. If your partner struggles with jealousy or insecurity, sharing this information might do more harm than good. Selective disclosure allows you to protect your partner’s feelings while maintaining trust.
The Science Behind Selective Disclosure
Studies show that couples who practice selective disclosure report higher levels of satisfaction and lower levels of conflict compared to those who strive for total transparency. The key is to share information that is relevant, timely, and considerate of your partner’s emotional state. This approach fosters autonomy and reduces unnecessary tension, creating a healthier dynamic.
When to Keep Quiet
Here are a few examples of when selective disclosure might be the better choice:
- Minor Irritations: If your partner leaves the toothpaste cap off, but they’re already stressed about work, bringing it up might not be worth the conflict.
- Platonic Interactions: If an ex reaches out with a harmless message, and you know your partner is sensitive about past relationships, it might be better to keep it to yourself.
- Personal Struggles: If you’re dealing with a personal issue that doesn’t directly impact your partner, you might choose to process it on your own before sharing.
The Role of Emotional Currency
Brunson emphasizes the importance of building emotional currency in your relationship. This means making small, consistent deposits of love, appreciation, and support. When you have a strong emotional foundation, your partner is more likely to trust you, even if you don’t share every detail of your life.
The Bottom Line
While honesty is crucial in any relationship, it’s equally important to be mindful of how and when you share information. Selective disclosure isn’t about lying or hiding things—it’s about protecting your partner’s feelings and maintaining harmony. By practicing this approach, you can create a relationship that’s built on trust, understanding, and mutual respect.
